Each of My Three Children Requires a Unique Parenting Approach: Being Fair Differs from Being Uniform.

Reflecting over the past two decades, I’ve realized that a uniform approach to parenting doesn't work. True fairness in parenting involves acknowledging and addressing the distinct personalities and needs of each child.

In my home, I’ve often been asked, “Why doesn’t she have to do what I do?” or “Why isn’t he punished?” These queries have perpetually stirred feelings of guilt within me. Had I become complacent? Was I perhaps showing favoritism by being stricter with one and gentler with another? Such concerns haunted me.

However, having navigated through motherhood for nearly 21 years, I’ve discovered that my evolving parenting style wasn't merely about decreasing anxiety with each child. Instead, it was about discovering that each child requires their own parenting style, a truth I was practicing instinctually.

My eldest granted me the simplest understanding of this concept. He values my guidance and frequently seeks my opinion while making decisions at college. His routine shares of fears and health updates reinforce my role as a trustworthy adviser. His independent streak leads him to solutions, requiring me only to offer guidance rather than direct control.

Conversely, parenting my middle child triggers a protective impulse. I wish to shield her from discomfort, yet I must allow her to learn stability through trial and error. Although intelligent and self-sufficient, her processing of fear involves intense emotion. I’ve had to learn to support by equipping her with necessary skills rather than solving her problems.

My youngest appears to be fiercely self-reliant from birth. He resists interference, preferring to manage himself, but needs reassurance that I’m nearby for support. With him, it’s about ensuring presence and readiness to help when he asks without overt involvement.

Initially, I believed equitable parenting meant applying uniform strategies across my children, merely adjusted for their ages. Yet, as I naturally tailored my parenting style to each child, I wrongly criticized myself for treating them differently. I realized that what supports one child might burden another; what feels like freedom to one can seem neglectful to another.

Although similar accusations of favoritism echo in my home, I shifted my inquiry from standard questions about strictness or leniency towards understanding what each child uniquely needs at their moment. Now, I measure my success in parenting not by identical treatment but by the individual attention I provide each child.

Ultimately, my children have each illustrated that my role is not to parent identically but to nurture them differently, assisting them to realize who they can become by responding to who they individually are.