Raising My Kids to Walk Away: Why Quitting Isn't a Bad Thing

Every week, I hear from fellow parents about how their child is unhappily stuck in activities, over-challenging academic courses, or friendships that don't feel right. These parents often assert that they vow not to let their child give up, fearing that it signifies a parental shortcoming with cries of 'I’m not going to bring up a quitter!'

In my case, I wholeheartedly disagree. With four children—two teens and two younger ones—I embrace the idea that having the option to quit can actually contribute positively to one's habits. As an adult, I'm unreservedly open to leaving behind jobs, relationships, volunteer roles, or plans that no longer benefit me or my family.

Why then should my expectations be different for my children? If the aim is to nurture balanced and competent adults, the ability to recognize when it's time to walk away might just be crucial.

Permitting My Kids to Walk Away From Sports

Just last year, one of my teenagers was part of a high-pressure, competitive sports team, convinced as we were, that this environment would toughen her up and hone her skills. However, she thrives under feedback that is supportive and private; the aggressive coaching put her in a state of distress. She approached us wanting to leave, and we allowed it because her passion for the sport was being suffocated by anxiety.

This decision proved prudent. Our child continues to participate in the sport but at a more manageable level that doesn’t compromise her happiness.

Allowing Them to End Unhealthy Relationships

Often, friendships between families stem not from the children's connection but from parental bonds. Children may drift apart or may not get along in the first place. I prefer not to impose these connections on my kids where they feel uneasy.

Ending a friendship doesn’t have to be volatile; it can smoothly fade away. We guide our kids to discern the quality of their relationships and know when it's beneficial to move on. The same principle applies to romantic relationships. Choosing to end an unsuitable partnership can save both energy and time.

I've shared with them my own experience during a health crisis when some friends didn’t stick by me. Acknowledging and letting go was healthier than forcing their commitment. I hope they remember this if faced with something similar.

Letting Go of Unfit Academic Paths

High school students gain some ability to adjust their schedules shortly after classes begin. One of my daughters opted out of a science course when it turned out to heavily involve math, a subject she finds challenging. Just because a child qualifies for advanced classes doesn’t mean the honor is worth the trade-offs they might encounter.

Having taught at the college level, I have observed many students worn out from overwhelming workloads or unsuitable classes, leading to failing grades and strained mental well-being. I want my children to understand when to step back, sparing them silent suffering.

This freedom helps them assess situations effectively, weigh decisions thoughtfully, empowering them towards self-assured maturity.

Taking Time Off for Well-being

Thankfully, we reside in a state where students can take excused mental health days. If my child feels overwhelmed, they can take a day off, without facing negative consequences from either me or their school. While not exactly quitting, pausing for a day helps them reset and reassess their needs going forward.

In my view, perfect attendance rewards can unintentionally favor those without struggles. I don't aim for my children to be praised for pushing to their limits. Instead, they learn to listen to both physical and mental cues, trusting their instincts, and recognizing when it's time to step back.