Adopt a Better Approach Instead of Stricter Boundaries

Redefining personal limits can seem ineffective – let's explore alternative ways to care for yourself and others.

Dear Beyond Traditional Limits,

You've made significant progress in therapy (congratulations!), mastering the art of saying 'no'. Yet, a part of you questions the necessity to establish boundaries, and there's a valid insight in that hesitation.

It's essential to strike a balance between self-care and altruism, especially for those who spent their formative years prioritizing others' needs over their own.

The prevalent jargon of 'boundaries' might not resonate with you – and understandably so. We're often taught that a boundary signifies where you end and another begins, as some renowned therapists suggest. If you believe, like I do, that our connections are deeply intertwined and mutually influential, the concept of boundaries may seem more obscuring than illuminating. Is it truly feasible to draw a distinct line between individuals?

Although pop psychology assures us that setting boundaries isn’t selfish, as ensuring your well-being ostensibly allows you to help others more effectively in the future, this view commodifies you: It suggests your worth is derived solely from your ability to aid others — aligning closely with the mentality boundaries aim to dismantle.

Complicating matters further, the idea of boundaries is sometimes misused as a veil for avoidance. We all know that one person or influencer who uses 'boundaries' as a reason to shy away from even minor discomfort.

You're expressing that any attempt at self-preservation feels contrary to your principles. The solution isn't to abandon self-care — that route can be detrimental. Instead, pursue an ideal that reveres self-preservation while providing a moral outlook you can genuinely support.

Consider Indra's Net, a timeless metaphor from Indian Buddhism. Imagine an endless network akin to a spider’s web, where each intersection holds a jewel reflecting every other one. Alter any jewel, and the entire network changes, illustrating our complete interconnectedness.

Buddhist thought views reality as a constantly co-evolving network, where everything is reshaping everything else – a concept known as 'dependent origination'. Fancy terms aside, the idea is clear if you've observed a dew-laden spiderweb eloquently reflecting the dawn.

Visualizing yourself as part of this net might enlighten you. Within this framework, there's no clear demarcation of where one ends and another begins. Caring for yourself isn't just prepping to care for others; you do it because you, as part of this net, possess intrinsic value. Damaging your own well-being disrupts this harmony.

Neglecting your own importance within this network doesn’t just impact others but signifies a failure to value your own worth. This isn’t commendable.

Contemporary philosopher Susan Wolf speaks of the 'moral saint' dilemma, where one’s life pivots on doing the morally 'right' thing constantly. Wolf proposes that this ideal isn't desirable as it strips life of personal joys and growth.

Someone entirely devoted to moral pursuits, like running charity marathons or organizing fundraisers, misses out on personal enjoyments — things that make life richly lived.

Wolf and those akin to her find perpetual selflessness unsettling, as it forgoes everyday pleasures life gifts us: a meal's intricate flavors, dance-floor joy, deep conversations, or the vibrant greens in sunlight.

Embracing these life gifts is as simple as accepting the world's kindness — savor your vibrant surroundings and appreciate each moment. If you don’t embrace such fulfilling experiences, you risk dimming your shine in the universal network.

Find Your Equilibrium

While nurturing others’ felicity can be rewarding, it shouldn’t overshadow your own wellness. Expressing that persistent giving depletes you indicates an imbalance between external care and self-care.

Charitable actions that breed anxiety or resentment misalign with genuine connections, fostering an unsustainable dynamic. Instead, maintain equanimity by offering what you comfortably can while protecting your part of the collective 'net'.

Explore this poise thoughtfully: You'll know you’ve achieved it when instead of bitterness, you feel an enriching bond with those around you.