Can Wealthy Relatives Find Joy in Giving?

How can you encourage family members to make charitable donations without making things awkward?

Dear Advocate for Good,

Carl Rogers, a 20th-century psychologist, observed that true acceptance of oneself can lead to personal change.

This concept also applies when inspiring others to change. If you start by accepting them as they are, they may be more open to your suggestions.

It's commendable that you're not pushing your personal beliefs on your family and friends. But you might consider taking an even less forceful approach.

Rogers suggested that real change doesn't require special therapy but rather a supportive environment where individuals feel valued regardless of their actions and sense empathy from others. These create a foundation for more aligned values and actions.

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You seem quite skilled at offering 'unconditional positive regard'—seeing your parents as 'wonderful people' despite their lack of donations to charity. But consider whether you fully grasp their perspective. Could financial insecurity or other experiences be influencing their reluctance?

They might have alternate concepts of 'doing good,' such as active community involvement or environmental efforts, which they find more meaningful than monetary donations. Validating these approaches might be key.

Even if you believe your way is more effective, expressing this judgment could backfire. Research by Stanford's Benoit Monin indicates that people may resent highly moral individuals due to perceived judgment.

Feeling judged morally is off-putting. I remember when a friend's reaction to my use of a plastic spoon during a vegan meal turned me away from environmentalism for quite some time.

Discovering What Works

Understand the other person's viewpoint. This insight might help you find ways to encourage them to see giving as rewarding.

My own experience taught me that gradual encouragement and witnessing my peers' enthusiasm for charity motivated me to start modestly and eventually find joy in giving.

If it felt obligatory, I’d likely resist. However, an inviting approach enabled me to appreciate the satisfaction of giving.

My reconnecting with nature was similar. An invitation to birdwatch awakened a deep, personal involvement with environmental issues.

Sometimes, individuals require security or positive experiences before engaging.

Research by psychologist Molly Crockett shows that people value the enjoyment of good deeds. They might perceive smaller but joy-giving actions as more laudable than distant, significant ones.

Thus, present your experiences in a joyful light rather than moral reasoning.

Organize an event—perhaps a holiday gathering—where discussions of gratitude and personal contributions lead organically to explaining the personal rewards of your charity efforts.

For instance, during Thanksgiving, reflect on your 10% income donation's impact, highlighting how fulfilling it was to aid others.

Encourage others to share satisfying contributions and express intentions for future acts of goodwill.

Anticipate gradual changes, as this strategy nurtures long-term commitment and maintains important relationships.

For further encouragement, apply Rogers's principles by fostering a nurturing environment. When people feel secure and understood, they naturally move toward what is positive and joyful. This might lead them to engage more deeply with worthy causes.