The Dilemma of Wanting and Not Wanting Children

Is there a way to truly know if you desire parenthood?

Dear Indecisive Reader,

Being uncertain about having children is a common feeling. Many of us search within ourselves to resolve this. We reflect deeply, revisit past experiences, and evaluate our current happiness to guess our future feelings with kids in the picture. We expect this answer to be hidden somewhere inside us, ready to discover.

It's understandable why many turn inward for answers, encouraged by numerous resources suggesting inner reflection holds the key. One such is Ann Davidman’s course on parenthood clarity, promising that answers already reside within us.

However, this inward journey might keep you endlessly searching without a definitive conclusion. The danger lies in focusing too much on personal desires and less on broader implications.

Moreover, predicting whether children will increase or decrease our happiness is nearly impossible. As philosopher L.A. Paul points out, the experience of parenting could transform you in unforeseen ways.

I propose a different strategy: look beyond yourself. Consider what excites, fulfills, and brings intrinsic value to your existence.

This isn't about selecting values to impart to your child since their alignment isn't guaranteed. Instead, base your decision on these life-affirming aspects.

Traditionally, you've viewed this as a question of knowledge—'how do you know?'—but I'd recommend approaching it as an existential exploration. Existentialism suggests we assign our own meanings, crafting personally meaningful paths.

A while back, my friend Emily guided me through a values-selection exercise that profoundly impacted me. After picking the top values most dear to me, I realized my foremost was 'living joyfully.'

In revisiting this insight repeatedly, I've found that embracing life's joy drives my decisions—including my desire to become a parent, as a way to celebrate and further life amid global skepticism.

Evaluating Your Values

Embrace a similar assessment of your personal values. Decide whether having a child aligns with those values or if other paths might better suit your unique attributes and life needs.

It's a personal choice and varies by individual. Some may see personal growth as a reason to parent, while others may express growth through creative avenues or unique lifestyle choices, all equally valid.

Many who hesitate around parenthood fear missing out on a unique type of love. You worry your future without children may be lonely, but consider if your needs for connection and fulfillment might be met in other ways.

Other Perspectives on Parenthood

Some parents argue the parent-child bond, while special, doesn't surpass the significance of other life relationships. As noted by Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman, it's familiar love, not extraordinarily alien.

If your attraction to parenthood stems from wanting companionship in old age, explore alternatives in building fulfilling relationships that don’t necessarily involve children.

Consider that unique life experiences manifest in multiple forms—art, activism, and personal endeavors—without subscribing to a singular idea of ultimate fulfillment.

Resist societal pressures about life’s ideal narrative and let your decisions reflect your values. These core values remain steady over time, providing a firm foundation for life’s major decisions, regardless of changing emotions.

The future is unpredictable. Your aim should not be to control every possible path but to live authentically according to your values.