The Benefits of Ranking Your Friends

Exploring the significance of having best friends in adult life.

Derek Gregory and his best friend Ringo have maintained a friendship spanning nearly two decades despite living far apart. They first met in high school in the 1980s in Southern California, quickly bonding over their love for music and shared hairstyles.

Gregory describes Ringo as someone with a great passion for life, saying, 'He was full of energy, with a love for life that was contagious, whether it was music or new ideas.'

Though Gregory moved away after graduation, their relationship has endured. Now a content creator in Denver, he keeps in touch with Ringo, who lives in Australia, sharing everyday moments and keeping their friendship alive despite the distance.

Why Best Friends Matter

Friendships contribute significantly to our health and happiness, offering emotional support and reducing stress, as evidenced by various studies.

The concept of a 'best friend' may remind us of childhood antics, identifying who fits this role in adulthood indicates the value you place on a relationship. Prioritizing fewer, more meaningful connections can lead to greater happiness than having many acquaintances.

Friendship's Long History

The notion of best friends has been around for centuries, with Aristotle classifying friendships into pleasure, utility, and virtue—where virtuous friendships are considered the noblest.

Historically, particularly for women who married into different communities, best friends provided essential support. This role persists, serving similar functions to family, especially as more people live geographically distant from relatives.

The modern explosion of the term 'best friend' became more prevalent during the 1960s and 1970s as academic interest in personal relationships grew.

Qualities of the Closest Friendships

Researchers identify best friends as highly trustworthy, supportive, and understanding. These relationships offer more profound emotional intimacy and disclosure.

In studies, best friends rank higher than acquaintances or casual friends in terms of mutual support, often being there for each other in significant life events, acting as a buffer against loneliness.

Spouses as Best Friends

Whether a spouse should also be your best friend remains controversial. Historically, men have identified their wives as best friends more than women have.

Longevity also plays a role in friendship status. Studies suggest that friendships lasting over nine years tend to develop into 'best' friendships.

Jay Palmer highlights trust as foundational, sharing how his deep loyalty to friends E and Z led him to move to Colorado, showcasing the dedication often present in these close relationships.

Evaluating Our Friend Circles

Claiming someone as a best friend inherently implies others fall into different tiers. This subconscious ranking process aligns with Dunbar's theory that we can only maintain a limited number of social connections.

Heather Kelliher, living abroad, emphasizes the importance of identifying who deserves her efforts to keep the friendship alive, underscoring regular communication.

The alliance hypothesis suggests we often gauge our standing with friends based on how they rank us, further influencing our own friendship hierarchies.

This hierarchy can sometimes be revealed publicly, such as during weddings when one person is named best man or maid of honor, creating potential jealousies.

Is It Fair to Rank Friends?

Although it may seem harsh to rank friends, identifying best friends and investing more in those relationships can lead to increased satisfaction and enhanced well-being.

Rachel Taylor and Kariyona Craighead, friends since middle school, illustrate the advantages of prioritizing each other, reshaping how they stay connected through life's changes.

Best friendships yield the greatest emotional return on investment since we concentrate our energies on those who reciprocate those efforts, strengthening ties and enhancing fulfillment.