Avoid Saying ‘I've Experienced That’ and Learn to Support Effectively

Throughout my extensive career as a journalist, media executive, and communication coach, my primary focus has been on understanding what truly matters to individuals.

A common observation I've made is that when people encounter someone sharing their personal challenges, whether dealing with difficult teenagers or job loss, they often respond by recounting a similar personal story. This is usually intended to demonstrate empathy and show the person they're not alone.

However, despite good intentions, the method of saying 'I’ve experienced that, too' diverts attention from the person who is sharing to oneself. Genuine empathy is not about relating to one’s own story but understanding and connecting deeply with the other's experience.

1. Focus Completely and Mind Your Nonverbal Signals

Begin by removing distractions and putting your devices away. Take a deep breath and use your body language to demonstrate full attention to the individual.

Empathy is conveyed not just through spoken words but also through physical presence. Assess your own state: Are you tense or calm, defensive or welcoming?

Your physical expressions, like your breathing, shoulder placement, and hand gestures, can contribute to making someone feel at ease and ensure they feel safe to express themselves openly.

2. Echo Their Words and Metaphors

When someone describes an experience as 'truly awful,' address that phrasing directly.

Reflecting their language back allows them to delve deeper into what was distressing, helping them achieve greater self-awareness.

Rather than offering advice or sharing a similar experience, capture the emotional core of what's been shared, such as by saying, 'It seems you’re feeling upset and maybe even angry due to your mother's remarks on your parenting.'

Identifying underlying emotions signals that you truly grasp their feelings and respect their experiences.

3. Embrace Comfortable Silence

A reassuring connection with others doesn’t necessitate an immediate reply.

Allowing for silence can highlight your commitment to the conversation, creating a space where natural interaction flows more freely.

Pauses of a few seconds can lower tension and enable a space of thoughtful reflection, fostering confidence and more profound appreciation.

4. Encourage Further Discussion with Simple Prompts

Excellent conversationalists are inquisitive and acknowledge what they lack in understanding.

Instead of directing the dialogue to align with your interests, inviting them to 'explain more' empowers them to share their priorities and possibly uncover insights they hadn't realized before.

This openness to learn triggers more genuine disclosures, leading to richer and more meaningful interactions.

Often, listening becomes a mere formality as people await their turn to present solutions or ideas—interrupting and curtailing effective exchange. Providing the space for full expression can significantly enhance your relationships.